By Stacie Ogborn of the Kansas LIFE Project

Anyone who has experienced the loss of a loved one knows that grief can be extremely painful throughout the year and downright unbearable during the holidays.  At this time of year, when surrounded by people who are important in your life, it becomes painfully clear that someone is missing from the scene.  In spite of all the glitter and joy connected with the holidays, if you have experienced the death of a loved one during the preceding year you may find yourself unable to cope during the holidays. 

Fortunately, this time of year can also be a very pivotal point in the grief and healing process.  We have put together the following list of tips to help you get through this holiday season and those in years to come.

Create new rituals:  Remember that loss is not the end of a relationship, but a transformation of it.  The process of grieving during the holidays allows our lives, our rituals, our traditions, our feelings, and our activities to express that transformation.  It may be helpful to come up with new rituals to express who we’ve become as a result of our loss.  Those rituals need not stay the same year after year; try something different next year too.

Think, act and speak positively:  Starting the holiday season by saying to yourself, “I hate this time of year!” establishes a negative view that will further depress your mood, attitudes and actions.  Nip all negative thoughts in the bud and replace them with positive, uplifting ones, like, “In spite of loss, I will try to enjoy this season.”  By using such affirmative statements, you open the door to a holiday season of hope and pleasure versus one of despair and pain.

Acknowledge the deceased:  If you are a church member, having your loved one’s name mentioned or a special prayer spoken during church services can be very comforting.  It also brings your grief out in the open allowing you to get extra support.

Be true to yourself:  You should decide what YOU want to do to celebrate the holidays.  Don’t set expectations too high.  Do the things that are very special or important to you, undertaking only those things that you and other family members can comfortably handle.

Move your celebration:  Persons who have lost a spouse or child may find it too uncomfortable to celebrate the holidays at their own home.  You may be better off celebrating elsewhere.  Before arranging to celebrate at someone else’s home, make sure you can count on family members and friends to be supportive and nurturing.

Reach out and help someone else:  An effective way to elevate your mood is to assist another human being.  We experience healing by helping others.  Holidays present a unique opportunity to volunteer your time at many local organizations.  Be giving of your friendship and love, but be careful not to overextend yourself to the point of exhaustion.

Helping children cope:  Children who have lost someone special should be encouraged to express their sadness.  It may be helpful to have them communicate their feelings by writing a letter to the loved one.  This will not only keep the memories alive, but it will help ease the grief.

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